


Hollow

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How love can change us.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hollow

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before we knew anything about the lovely Ashley.

They are on the promo tour of the second album, and Tommy is on the lead guitar. He didn't get that job exactly the way he would have liked, but it is his now, and that part is good. Everything else is a stupid mess. 

Adam has a new bass guitarist, Jenny Starstrike (that is her real name, Tommy asked), and she's one crazy girl. She has a short black hair, she wears corsets and those laced boots that almost reach her knees, and her makeup rivals Adam's. He can't help being a little fascinated by her. After all, his latest relationship attempt turned sour just a few weeks before the tour. He's still recovering from that even though he doesn't want to be. He wants to experience and live and move on and be awesome. Instead, he's mostly moping and miserable. 

They are in France at the moment, and nobody speaks his language. Last time, they only had one gig in Paris, but this time, Adam aims for at least three in different cities when it's time for the world tour. This is him trying to make sure they remember him in France, that they want him here, too. This is Adam doing what he does best: charming people. 

It's even hard to get his coffee in this city because he's a stupid American who only speaks one language. Although, he's learning fast, and he can now sign and point pretty damn well. And one mispronounced _bonjour_ gets him a chocolate chip cookie, too. 

He's moving about the city on his own because Adam has press and the others are still recovering from last night. To everyone's surprise he didn't drink anything. He moped, then he called his mom, and then he went to bed. Adam told him he was terrible company, but hugged him anyway. 

Tommy knows he is a sucky friend at the moment. Adam is going through a rough time, too. He is on tour again, albeit a short one, and his whole life is back in LA. Tommy can understand how that feels... Who is he kidding? No, he can't. He dreams of something, and he never finds quite what he dreams of. It never feels like the way it should, how it feels in his mind when he imagines things. Love is overrated. Yet, that's exactly what he wants.

He wanders around, enjoying the fact that Europe is made for walking. Everything looks nicer when he can touch things up close. He sees fountains, statues, cafes, streetlamps that look like art. Everything is fascinating to him because it's so different from home. He loves home, but different is good sometimes. 

It takes him forever to get back to the hotel because he stops by at a bakery, and then a comic shop, and then he manages to find himself at an art gallery full of black and white photographs of people all over the world. It was free; he couldn't resist it. 

When he gets to the lobby of the hotel his phone beeps. It's Adam: _Where you at, and how can I get there?_. Has he mentioned how much he loves this guy? Adam made him. He was at the right place mentally at the time. All Adam had to do was guide him out of the box he'd managed to create for himself, and he became this person. Sometimes he still needs Adam's support, his wrist when they are in weird places, but he can't take hold of it any more. Adam isn't free; Adam's time and space aren't his any more. 

_Lobby. I'll wait,_ he sends back to Adam, and sits down on one of the leather armchairs. The hotels are fancier this time even though they weren't crappy the first time either. Well, he wasn't on the promo tour then, but yeah, on the tour-tour. He looks around, not really seeing anything, just thinking of the fact that this is his life, and he gets to stay in places like this. It still feels unreal. He managed to get depressed when nothing happened and he was the only one who still believed in his big chance. That depression has never let go, and he holds onto it because it keeps things real. It makes him remember. 

He feels the hairs at the back of his neck rise, and he looks up just in time to see the elevator doors open. Adam's hair is down, framing his face from one side, shorter on the other. It looks closer to the style he had on Idol than anything else, makes him look younger. Tommy smiles. 

When Adam is almost there he stands up, ready for anything that comes. Except that he isn't because Adam's hand slides over his arm and takes his hand for a moment before he lets go. It's such a sweet hello he chokes. Just like that his voice is gone. Nothing comes out. Nothing. He's known the guy for over two years now, almost three, and still this happens sometimes. 

"Hi," Adam says softly.

Tommy opens his mouth to say something, anything, but he only inhales, sharp and edgy, and he knows Adam can hear it. So he wouldn't seem like a complete jerk he puts his hand on Adam's shoulder, or he means to do that, but Adam moves a little and his hand ends up against Adam's cheek. He can't just pull back because that would look stupid so he pats Adam's cheek and smiles. It's not as bad as at it could be, but it's pretty bad. All they need is a paparazzi and they'd have some explaining to do. Now he pulls his hand back because, hello, public place. 

Adam's surprised look turns into a wicked one when he puts his hand in the crook of Tommy's arm, and pulls him with him. "I want to see the triumphal arch again," he says like it's nothing that they're so touchy-feely. 

He still hasn't said anything, but it doesn't seem to matter because Adam keeps talking about everything: the interview he had, the wonderful scone he ate, the small gig they'll have tomorrow, how he loves the sound of Tommy's new acoustic guitar, and the funny thing is nobody bothers them. They walk like that arm in arm in Paris, and nobody gives a fuck. It's refreshing. It's nice, and Tommy forgives Adam for being so annoyingly irresistible. 

After they've seen the arch and many other things that Adam explains to him in great detail because he's seen them before, they finally go to a restaurant to eat. 

There's candle light and a violinist. It's so freaking romantic Tommy's ears start to bleed. Or they would if he still had a functioning brain. He is a mushy pile of goo in Adam's hands, and it is ridiculous. He knows that. Every time Adam has time to hang with just him, his world reduces to Adam. It helped when he had someone. The spell wasn't so strong then, but when he doesn't have anyone, when he is alone he is helpless against Adam's pull. In the beginning, Adam thought that he was gay. It was a short confusing conversation that ended with them both laughing. He was the gayest straight dude Adam had ever met. Secure with his shit, they say. He isn't. He is scared shitless because Adam could mold him. He is modeling clay, and Adam has a great imagination. It isn't a good combination. 

So he sits there, candle light between them, shadows playing beautiful-sexy-gorgeous games with Adam's face, and he wonders just how long his heart can take this, how long can he survive under the stare of those eyes? How long? 

"You need a hair cut," Adam says, reaching for his bangs, pulling, and that makes him freeze. Adam is right. His hair is longer than it's ever been, reaching his collar bone. Adam's hand is still there, and it shouldn't be because this isn't fair. He went through this once already. 

He nods, and he wonders if Adam has noticed that he hasn't said anything but a few cursory words here and there. Of course he has noticed it. It's in his eyes right now. The question. "Nothing's wrong," Tommy says finally because he can't take the pressure any more. 

"Something is, baby," Adam says, and leans back in his chair, letting go of Tommy's hair. "How are you really? I'm worried."

"Losing hope," he says before he can stop himself. He drinks his wine because he's not going to blurt out his whole life story on a romantic dinner with a friend, no matter how awesome that friend is. 

Adam's eyes go sharp, something about him changes, almost like all the lines of his body become that much more real. "How?"

"All my closest friends are either happily married and having children or in a committed relationship. I date, and it never _feels_ right." He's getting older. That's the scary part. He always thought he'd be either dead or married before he turned thirty. 

Adam is quiet for a second, then says, "How should it feel like?"

Tommy frowns. Didn't he just tell himself that he wouldn't spill the beans? Oh, fuck it. "Like we're meant to be, like we fit, like we can't live without each other, like... I don't know. You know... Like Johnny and June. Like Romeo and Juliet without the gruesome ending. Like... after everything you go through it's worth it no matter what happens because the other person is your missing piece. That's what I want, and it never feels like that."

"Do you expect that to happen every time?" Adam asks, his voice soft. 

"Well... yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

Adam tilts his head, a beautiful smile on his face. "People are flawed. We're so freaking imperfect it's scary to let anyone close. To have something like that you have to first accept the other person. It won't work otherwise."

"You don't believe in soulmates?" He has to ask.

"Yeah, I believe in soulmates, but I also believe in a healthy dose of common sense. Nobody can be that perfect for you. You can't find someone who fits an image. You'll find someone who's willing to create that image with you if you let her."

"How did you do it then? How did you find someone that perfect for you?" It hurts somewhere down below, but he pushes that hurt away. Adam has time for him, too. 

Adam's face shifts again, from concentration to a dreamy look. Disgustingly happy, he is. "I met him, I got to know him, and I fell for him. It's that simple. I gave him a chance. I looked at him, and let him be there, and I enjoyed his presence. I didn't expect him to be anything."

"One girl I dated... It was this on and off thing, and it was always great for a short while, and then it turned horrible. And I hurt her. I wanted her to be that to me, and she was, and yet, she couldn't be, and she wanted to be, and it was horrible. She dated other people, and whenever I wanted her back she came running... and then, it just didn't work. And every time I was so sure that it would work. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't mean to abuse the power I had over her, but I did. I toyed with her. I made her miserable. I burned her. And she hates my guts. I want it to work, and it never does. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." 

"You want a thing, not a person. You want a dream, not someone real who shares your everyday life. You want it to be perfect, and that's why you don't live in the moment with the person. You expect things to be something, instead of experience the real things to the fullest. You're making yourself miserable." Adam reaches out, taking his hand on the table, and he lets him. It's a corner table, and the room is dark. Nobody is looking. 

"How do I live in the moment?" He wants to leave, get up, just walk out of the door and leave Adam there. This conversation is hurting him because the latest breakup was the result of this same thing. He still hears her scream in his ears: _You want a fucking princess who makes you happy. I'm not that. I can't be what you want me to be. I don't want to feel like I'm never good enough._ He makes people feel like they're not good enough. He doesn't want that. He wants people to be happy, too, satisfied in their lives, comfortable in their own skin. And since Adam hasn't said anything yet he asks, "And do I make you feel like you're not enough to me?"

Adam looks a little confused. The waitress has brought their appetizers, and Adam is trying his. It's some kind of a weird soup thing with lots of big bits in it. Tommy doesn't want to know what. Adam swallows down his food, then says, "No, you don't make me feel like I'm not enough to you. But you sometimes make me feel like I'm too much." The smirk is sweet, but it makes something hard land in Tommy's stomach. 

"Why?" It's barely a word because his voice is gone again. 

"I'm a very affectionate person with the people I love. You're, too, but sometimes I feel like I'm on a different lane than you're, and we keep missing each other, yet we're super-close. Does that make any sense? I haven't thought about it before." Adam Lambert actually ducks his face because he blushes. "Sorry. I don't know how to explain it."

That's just cute. Tommy realizes Adam hasn't let go of his hand so they are talking about this _and_ holding hands. "I think I know what you mean. I don't know how to explain it either, but yeah, I know. It feels like that." The closeness is there and so is the confusion because they keep doing things that don't really fit. 

"I'm glad you don't think I'm a dork," Adam says, his thumb caressing the back of Tommy's hand. "Is it because I'm gay?"

The question surprises him. He looks at Adam, his heart beating in his throat. "I think it's because I have no box for you and the emotions I have for you. You mean a lot to me, and everything you do affects me, but I have no idea what to do with it all. That's why."

"I'm really happy we're friends," Adam says softly. 

It's an _I love you_ if he's ever heard one, and it hurts him in a perfect way. "Me too."

Adam's smile is brilliant when he lets go of Tommy's hand and concentrates on eating. Tommy takes a mouthful of his carpaccio for the first time, and it tastes heavenly. It's possible he even moaned because his food is so good. How embarrassing. 

At the hotel, Adam invites him to his room. They stand close to each other in the elevator, the backs of their fingers almost touching. Tommy can feel the warmth radiating from Adam. 

He knows it's not completely platonic. It's never been. He's not stupid. But there's no other word for it either. He doesn't want to be Adam's boyfriend, and he sure as hell doesn't want to be fucked by Adam, but he likes the closeness. He likes Adam's skin against his own. He likes the way Adam makes him feel loved. He's important and precious and loved, and Adam thinks he's gorgeous, too. He loves that. He can't build anything on top of that, though. Life doesn't work that way. 

"What are you thinking, pretty?" Adam says when they walk along the corridor that leads to Adam's room. It's the top floor. 

"I wish I was wired a little differently. You'd be perfect for me." He realizes that he's been drinking too much wine. No more wine for Mr. Ratliff then. 

"For a long time I wished for that, too," Adam says, sounding very serious. "I'm glad you're who you are. I love this." Adam takes hold of his waist and pulls him close. He goes with it, his body pliant and happy to be guided. It'd be so easy to tilt his head back and let Adam kiss him. He remembers that. 

Adam sighs, and he feels it against his side. "It's not going good," Adam says after a while, so quiet Tommy isn't sure if he actually said anything. "You can't find someone who'd fit your image of love. I can't find someone who'd want to stay forever."

"What?" he squeaks. 

They are at the door of Adam's room, and Adam digs the key card out of his pocket. They are more drunk than Tommy thought because they can barely stay upright while Adam does this. Somehow they do, though, and Adam pulls him in, almost carries him over the threshold. They toe off their shoes, but won't let go of each other long enough to take off their jackets. 

"Talk to me, please?" Tommy says, kissing Adam's neck. He wants to comfort him somehow.

"We're drifting apart. He wants to move to New York because he got a job offer. He feels like I'm suffocating him, that my job is suffocating him. I'm loved by millions, and it means nothing." Adam is deflating like a balloon. He was so cheerful the whole day, the whole trip, and now... Tommy holds him close, hugs him, and when they fall on the bed he curls as close as he can, burying his face in Adam's neck. 

"Don't be sad," he whispers because sad Adam is something he can't deal. Sad Adam is something that shifts continents, changes the world, cracks surfaces, makes things impossible. Sad Adam hurts him more than anything in the world, and he'd rather die than ever see him hurt. 

"Sorry." Adam has his arms around him, and they both curl, desperate to be closer, desperate to feel like things can work out. 

"Don't apologize. What are you apologizing for?" His words are frantic and stupid. He pulls at the covers, tries to get them cocooned, and Adam helps him. He hasn't opened his eyes since Adam's revelation, and he doesn't want to. World is a fucking cruel place. Adam sounded so happy at the restaurant. 

"Nothing's sure yet," Adam says. "But I know him. He has so many dreams, just like I did. He loves me, but he's like a bird I've caged. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hold anyone back. I don't want him to become miserable. I don't want him to hate me for not letting him be who he is."

There are tears. He doesn't want them to be his, but he'd rather cry than have Adam crying. He's such a stupid mess right now, and he can't handle it at all. 

"I've never been this happy with anyone." Adam's voice cracks. The whole world around them turns into shards. Hurtful. Violent. "I'm losing this, Tommy. I'm so sorry."

He's sorry, too. He wishes he could say something that could make it better. There's nothing. Sometimes nothing can make it better. "Shhhhh..." 

They fall asleep like that, holding each other tight. 

When he wakes up it's dark outside and Adam is still there. They are lying on their sides, facing each other, and Adam has him between his thighs. They are pressed closely against each other, and it feels a little uncomfortable. He's sweaty and so is Adam. One of Adam's hands is at the small of his back, the other is in his hair. His own arms are around Adam's middle, and his right one is completely numb. Adam may be skinny nowadays, but he's still a big guy.

His face is pressed against Adam's chest, just under his chin. He feels stupidly safe there. 

"I don't want to let go," Adam says, startling him. "Do I have to?"

Tommy shakes his head. There are things he can give to Adam. His warmth is one of those. 

"Good." Adam sighs. "Thank you."

He does something stupid next because he's still hazy from sleep and slightly drunk. He moves his head and kisses the underside of Adam's chin, his whole body arching towards Adam, their groins touching. He wants comfort and he wants to give it. He's not good with words, but his body has always been willing.

"What are you doing?" Adam sounds breathless, and that's his doing. The hand at the small of his back moves lower, cupping his ass and pulling him closer still. He's not sure what he's doing, but something drives him forward. He doesn't mind when Adam grinds against him, doesn't mind when he moves their bodies, spreads him on his back, holding onto his knee before sliding on top of him. He's been here before. They played in the beginning, Adam pushing him as far as he would go, both of them enjoying the newness of it all. 

He wraps his legs around Adam's thighs without thinking, and then Adam's hands are in his hair and they are kissing. He's missed that mouth, more than he dares to admit. Adam grabs his hip, holds him tight while his other hand gets lost in his hair, pulling his head back. And all the while Adam is moving, slow, slow, slow, and Tommy breathes through his nose, short, quick breaths. He didn't mean this to happen, or maybe he did, but his mind is leaving him, a breathless mess that arches and whines and hopes. 

"God... I want you," Adam whispers against his mouth, then bites his lower lip. "I want you. Don't... Think... Fuck..."

He's let Adam touch him once before because a hand is a hand and a mouth is a mouth. They did go that far when they were both free and crazy high. He's not sober now either, and they are so fucked up it's not even funny. They are not free. They are miserable. And this is what they end up doing? 

He wants to come. That's the thing. His body is ready, tuned into the right frequency, and he uses his legs to tell Adam that he doesn't want him to stop. 

Adam is licking into his mouth, stealing his breath, taking away his sanity. He's leaking pre-come, and he's ready, he's so fucking ready, yet when it hits him he's not ready. His mind goes white, his whole body shaking so much he can't control his limbs, and he cries out, into Adam's mouth, and Adam's hold of his hair tightens to a point of it being painful. There're tears in the corners of his eyes because of that. The aftershocks of his orgasm bring him back gradually, and he realizes what just happened, what they just did. 

He looks at Adam, who's looking at him, and it feels surreal. Adam feels heavy on top of him. "Did you come?" he asks because his mind was gone long enough that he didn't see or hear or feel anything. 

Adam nods. There's no smile on his face. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this any more."

"Do what?" He feels terrible because Adam is not relaxed or happy. He's just tense. He finishes Adam's sentence in his head: _Waste my time with straight guys who want to play._ "I'm not playing," he says quickly. He's not. He wouldn't. 

"No, we're." Adam sighs, rolling off Tommy and out of the bed. Tommy feels cold and exposed, and his pants are icky. He puts his hands over his chest protectively, but then Adam holds out his hand, "Come on. Clean up."

He hesitates for a moment, then lets Adam pull him out of the bed. He feared Adam wouldn't want to have him close, but there's nothing between them when Adam walks them to the bathroom. It's nice and sweet, and his heart can't handle it at all. 

The funny part is that he lets Adam undress him, lets him push him into the huge shower with two shower heads, and then, he even lets Adam wash him clean. This has never happened. They've never been naked together like this. Of course he's seen Adam naked. They've been to spas and stuff, but it's never been like this, never intimate, never private. He can't stop shaking. 

"I can't deal with this," Adam says even though he's the one who's touching Tommy. "I can't do this. I can't..."

Tommy turns to face Adam. He leans against the tiled wall, gathering courage. He has no idea what he's going to say, but he has to make Adam feel better. "I can be your rebound guy. Whenever you need it. No strings attached." He can't believe he just said that. He can't be that. He has too many feelings for Adam, and he's not even gay. But he can't stand seeing Adam like this. 

Adam is shocked. He takes a step back. "What?"

"For cuddles. For loneliness. I can't... I can't make you happy, but I can try." He's walking further into the swamp. He has no idea what he's saying. "I'm miserable, too. Maybe we can learn something from each other. I don't know... Please, don't look at me like that."

"What are you offering?" Adam takes hold of the wall. 

"I don't know. I can't stand seeing you like this. I don't know." Mere whispers now. He wants Adam to touch him again so he knows things aren't destroyed. "Please."

"This isn't right," Adam says softly. "You can't do this for me."

He wants to. If he wants to he can. "Did I feel good?"

Adam is startled. "Of course you did. You do."

"Then we can do this." He still doesn't know what _this_ is. He bites one black nail because Adam still isn't saying anything. What the fuck is he offering? 

"Tommy." Adam touches his face, and he kisses the palm. He's done that many times too. Affection. "I'll fall for you. Like you said, I'd be perfect for you. Well, you'd be perfect for me, too. No, okay. Please."

No? That hurts. His mind goes blank for a moment, and then he reaches for the shower gel. He looks at Adam the whole time when he spurts a lot of that stuff on his hand, puts the bottle away, mixes the stuff in his hands, and then slides his hand down his back to his ass. He pushes one finger inside him, and it must show on his face because Adam has become like stone, staring, his eyes wide. He's done this before, and a few girls have done it to him too, fingered him. Shower gel is not the best lubricant, but he's used it with girls too. Doesn't fit to everyone, though. He takes hold of the wall with his other hand, turning sideways to Adam when he pushes another finger inside himself. His breaths are shallow now, and Adam is still staring, his dick reacting to what Tommy is doing. When he pushes in the third finger Adam croaks out, "What are you doing?"

He still doesn't know. He stopped thinking a while back. He just wants to change things, make things better, do something about this stupid fucking mess. "I want you to fuck me," he says slowly, and the words are breathy because he hits his prostate then, and that feels weird-good. His eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He can't believe he's doing this in front of Adam. "Please?"

"But..."

"Please?" And now he's begging, three fingers in, his knees almost buckling. It's fucking embarrassing, and all Adam is doing is staring. He knows he looks sexy to Adam, his hair all wet, tattoos showing, his body on display, ready. He wants to be ready. He wants to want this. He wants Adam to want this. If he turns him down now he's never going to survive the humiliation. 

And then he feels Adam's hand touching his spine. The touch goes straight to his cock. It's relief and excitement and fear, and he has no idea what to do after this. He doesn't even dare to look at Adam. Adam pulls his hand away slowly, and then he feels Adam's finger against his hole, pushing in, careful, not at all like the way he did it. It's scary as hell, his blood rushing in his ears, but he rests his hands against the wall and takes it. He spreads his legs further, giving Adam more room to work, and that's exactly what he does, adding another finger. Adam's fingers are so much bigger than his, and it's _Adam_ who's doing it. He can't think; he just feels. Adam's other hand strokes his back, his sides, then settles on his shoulder, holding him still and then making him move back every time Adam pushes his fingers into him. He tries not to let out any sounds because Adam is so quiet, but he can't, he can't understand how it affects him, can't be, can't hold onto his thoughts. So he cries out, he loses it, and he doesn't even care. 

When Adam adds another finger he feels so full he can't take it. Too full, too intrusive, too much. But he doesn't say anything because he's seen Adam's cock, and soon it's going to be inside him. He closes his eyes, concentrate on breathing, in and out, in and out, in time with the push and pull of Adam's fingers.

"Condoms?" Adam whispers in his ear, and he thinks about it, tries to understand the word. He knows he's clean; he knows Adam is too, but it's still not something they'd do. 

"Jacket pocket," he manages to squeeze out of his lungs, and Adam leaves him with a kiss, and he's standing there feeling open and weird and freaked out, but he won't go anywhere. Adam didn't think he'd get laid in Paris. No condoms. Tommy? He came prepared. 

Adam is right there again, whispering, "Still want this?"

He nods, his stomach in knots. He wants this as much as he'll ever want this. His heart is a big rock, heavy in his chest. 

He has no idea how they're going to do this. He didn't plan it. He didn't know he was going to do it half an hour ago. He has to improvise. 

Adam makes it easy. He pulls Tommy into a kiss, then while he's distracting Tommy with all the kissing, he lifts him up against the wall, and on his cock, Tommy's legs around his waist. This was not how he pictured it would happen - if he'd ever pictured it. Adam is in his mouth, pushing inside his body, holding him up, strong, and he feels fucking vulnerable. He's at Adam's mercy. 

The water running down Adam's back makes things a little more gentle. The shower is steamy and warm, and Adam is hot against him, inside him, fucking into him, and it doesn't hurt at all. It feels weird, but kind of good, and his dick is getting pretty interested in this. It's trapped between their bodies, and with each thrust he gets a little friction and warmth. His hands are in Adam's hair, holding him close while he's holding himself up, and it's overwhelming really. He's making embarrassing noises, but Adam isn't quiet either, breathing hard against his cheek, kissing him every other thrust, needy and still gentle even though he's pounding into Tommy's body. 

And then Adam is coming and it's the most gorgeous sight he's ever seen. This person who has so much power over him. He can do this to him; he can make Adam fall apart. But it's not over when Adam comes. He showers Tommy with kisses, then pulls out very gently, throws away the condom, and drops down on his knees in front of Tommy. He doesn't get a warning before Adam's mouth circles him. He bites his arm because that would've been a scream. His whole body feels alien, but this is still familiar, and this will always be good. 

When he's close Adam stops sucking him and uses his hands instead, and when Tommy realizes what Adam's going to let him do he comes with a shuddering breath, shooting his come all over Adam's face, his mouth wet and open. 

He falls down on the floor the moment his orgasm is over, and Adam kisses him, tasting like him. He can't believe this. He can't believe they just did that. He can't believe any of it, but he's too relaxed to panic yet. 

Tommy notices distantly that Adam washes his face and then turns the showers off. When Adam lifts him in his arms he wants to protest, but he's too tired. He just rests his head against Adam's shoulder, playing with his hair.

Adam sits him down on the bed, drying him with a big white towel, and then he wraps Tommy in it and puts him to bed. He feels like smiling because this is kind of wonderful. 

He must have dozed off because the next thing he knows there's food, and Adam's sitting next to him, a spoon full of the only kind of pudding Tommy likes. Not too sweet, nothing too soft. He opens his mouth before he thinks about it any further, and Adam feeds him. He smiles around the spoon, and Adam smiles back. 

"I can't do rebound with you, baby," Adam says, urging Tommy to sit up so he can start eating. There's a tray full of food, and his stomach growls. When he sits up he winces a little, but it's not that bad, just a little reminder. He blushes. And then Adam's words sink in. Tommy turns to look at him. 

"What are we doing then?" Tommy asks. It's a huge question. He has no answers to it, and he hopes Adam doesn't expect him to give an answer. 

"I have no idea." Adam looks at him for a long while, then says, "Nobody has ever done that to me. I can't believe you did that." 

Fingering himself? Big deal. He swallows hard because yeah, a pretty fucking big deal. "I haven't done anything like that before. I mean I've done that... well, not that... but I've had fingers in my ass, just never... Stop me please."

Adam strokes the shaved side of his head, a fond look in his eyes. "You're so dear to me. I don't ever want to lose you."

"You won't." That is the only thing he is sure of. "Unless you slap me and tell me to get out of your life."

The hand that's touching his head stills, and Adam just stares at him. "I'm so scared."

He nods. 

"I feel like we have something huge here, and I'm not ready for it at all. I'm in a bad place right now. Really bad place. Yet, when I look at you I feel like there might be something good in the future, but... do you want it? Do you want this? Any of this?"

He bites his lip, then says, "I don't know. I want to belong to you. I want to be yours. I want to be important to you. I want you to... I don't know. I don't know. I just know I love you. From the bottom of my heart. With everything I have. Always have. I won't disappear. I won't leave. I don't want to go anywhere. I always want to be close by, next to you, curled up close. I miss your warmth the moment you're gone. But I don't know what this is. I don't."

Adam pulls him into a kiss. It's soft and lingering, their noses touching. "Okay." Adam kisses his cheek, his jaw, his ear. "Okay."

What does that even mean? "I love you so much," he whispers because that is what he has. That's his truth, and he's willing to give it to Adam.

Adam's smile is in his voice when he says, "We'll make our own rules then."

Tommy nods again. They can do that. Whatever this is it's going to be memorable. 

"I love you, Tommy Joe." Adam grabs his hair and tilts his head to the side, a little rough but mostly just intense. "And that felt good."

He smiles because he remembers Adam's face when he came. He wants to see that face again because that gave him a powerful feeling. Adam may be able to mold him, but he can mold Adam, too. And maybe they are getting on the same lane finally because he's not so overwhelmed by this as he was before. "I'm on your highway, baby," he says to Adam, and hopes he understand what he means.

Adam's face is blank at first, but then he smiles. He bites Tommy's exposed neck, still holding his head to the side, and that just does it. He's going to be very comfortable with this before the night is over because that thing that just came out of his mouth was a plea. 

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I love writing these two so very much, but I have to say here that I respect their private lives and want only good things to happen to both of them. So I don't wish them to break up with anyone or anything like that. 
> 
> When I write these stories these characters are completely separate from the real life Adam and Tommy, meaning I don't imagine them when I write. These characters are real in my mind, though, and I love them to bits and pieces. :D 
> 
> And of course I love the real life Tommy and Adam too, and wish them all the happiness in the world with whomever they choose to be. <3
> 
> One more thing... When I was writing Peace Under the Moon I gave a fic prompt to Sulwen for safe-keeping. This is my version of that prompt. She has the right to write her version, and maybe she will one day. :D The prompt went along the lines of: Adam teaches Tommy what love actually is. It was longer, but that's the main idea.


End file.
